Instantaneously and Dramatically Silenced in Disbelief…

The words hit me and I was instantaneously and dramatically silenced in disbelief. 
Our family was moving nearly 1000 miles away from the small Iowa farming town that had been home for over ten years. My dad had accepted a job offer and the news was absolute…. No room for discussion. 
I didn’t own thoughts to sort through what I had been told. I told Jenea hoping she would tell me how to think and what to feel. We sat in silence…
A few seemingly short weeks later, the family station wagon was loaded and ready to go. It was a cold day in January, but a few friends and family showed up to see us off. As I sat in the back seat watching familiar faces roll by my window, I was numb. 
I didn’t know how to say goodbye. These people were an extension of me and my family. We were a close-knit small Midwest town. We lived simply and loved wholly. The people in this town allowed me to feel safe. They served our family when my mom got sick, they cheered me on and coached me in swim, volleyball, basketball, and track. They taught me at school and informally about life and how to look out for one another. They loved me. And I – them. 
How was it possible to say goodbye? I had no words nor capacity to do so….
Exiting our beloved town, we rode primarily in silence for what seemed like endless miles. 
No previous life experiences had prepared me for the gaping wound that I felt where my heart used to be. It felt shattered and scattered along the thousand miles from Iowa to Pennsylvania. 
I wondered if this was how experiencing the death of someone special felt like:
Completely out of sorts. Completely out of control. Completely numb…
Over the next few weeks and months, anger became my preferred emotion. I went through the motions at school and even joined the track team. But something was missing… 
My heart was broken and I didn’t know how to fix it. 
Peace in prayer had no staying power; the emptiness wouldn’t leave. Kindness by others only momentarily distracted the void. I didn’t know how to pick up my brokenness and try to progress. I wondered if it would even be possible. 
I wrote letters to Jenea longing for time to rewind and take me back to one more day as best friends next door. 
I couldn’t understand why God hadn’t preserved my perfect world. 
The anger ate at me, destroying me…slowly…
I felt worse about everything. 
My sisters seemed to quickly transition, make new friends, and thrive. I was stuck. 
“Where was God?” I wondered…
“Why did he abandon me?”
“Why did He help my sisters and forget me?”
I began to long for the anger to stop and to feel some kind of happiness again…. but I didn’t know where to begin…
The concept of “healing through Christ” was familiar terminology… but what did those steps look like?
How could I gather the strength and faith to test His teachings? Somedays I felt like I could try to feel my Heavenly Father’s and Christ’s love that I so desperately wanted to believe in…
Somedays I think I did…
Somedays I failed.
Despondently going through the motions of prayer and scripture reading I hoped for greater sustaining peace…eventually.


-JC

Muddy Buddy Cookies

½ cup soft butter
½ cup butter flavored Crisco
1 cup peanut butter
1 cup granulated sugar
1 cup packed brown sugar
2 XL eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Cream butter, Crisco, peanut butter and sugars with an electric mixer on medium high for 1 minute or until fluffy.. Hand stir in eggs and vanilla; don’t overmix. Add dry ingredients all at once and mix until fully incorporated. Add an additional 2 Tablespoons flour for high elevation. Scoop out approximately 24 2” balls of dough.  Gently roll. For a richer flavor and smoother texture, form cookie dough balls, flatten slightly, and refrigerate or freeze until ready to bake. Place on greased or parchment paper on an aluminum cookie sheet. Gently flatten to ½” high. Bake at 375 degrees for 12 min. Spoon ½ Tablespoon of Peanut Butter Chocolate Fudge Sauce onto the center of each cookie.  Sprinkle 8 Muddy Buddies onto fudgey center. Let set. Share.

Peanut Butter Chocolate Fudge Sauce
3/4 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
6 Tablespoons creamy peanut butter
3 Tablespoons soft butter
½ teaspoon vanilla.
Melt chocolate chips, butter and peanut butter in microwave for 30 seconds or until mixture can be stirred smooth. Stir in vanilla.

Muddy Buddies
Measure 2 1/4 cups Rice Chex into large mixing bowl.
In microwave safe bowl, combine:
1/4 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
2 T creamy peanut butter
1 Tablespoons soft butter
1/4 teaspoon vanilla.
Melt chocolate chips, butter and peanut butter in microwave for 30 seconds or until mixture can be stirred smooth. Stir in vanilla.
Toss chocolate mixture with chex until evenly coated. 
Measure 1/2 cup powdered sugar into gallon size ziploc. Spoon chex-chocolate mixture into the powdered sugar ziploc. Gently shake to coat.  Sprinkle out onto parchment paper to set until ready to use.

-JC