The Fight

Everything I was feeling seemed wrong…like I was broken…

I had read books and magazine articles and gone to all of my prenatal appointments. 
Nevertheless, I was completely ill-prepared for the inevitable. His beautiful blue eyes stared back at me as I tried through tears to understand him, his needs, and how I could possibly attempt to meet them. 
I felt insignificant and completely insufficient in the skill set required to be a good mom. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. My emotions were out of check and I felt lost. 
I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel more natural and capable in my role as his mother. 
Why did my world with an amazing husband and perfect beautiful baby boy feel clouded?

Long before this time, I believe I was in a pre-mortal existence. I believe I fought for the opportunity to come to earth and get a body. I believe I promised I would tirelessly fight off the adversary and fight for truth in utilizing my agency to work to return to my Heavenly home and help others to do the same. 

And now with seemingly inconsolable cries coming from a beautifully crafted wood bassinet, I needed to fight through the postpartum depression that had grasped hold of the person I used to be and was nearly suffocating her. I had read about hormonal changes causing mood and depression problems, but I never thought it would happen to me this intensely. I believed happiness was a choice and available to any who chose to cast their burdens at Christ’s feet and claim it. But for me- at this time, it seemed relentlessly out of reach. 

Somehow, I scraped enough strength to change and feed my baby and fall in debilitating fatigue-back in bed. Morning brought the light of day and in sincere prayer, I pleaded for my own light to return. I wondered if it’s dimness could be seen by others; I concluded it must…
Months later…Slowly… Like the rising sun, my energy reasserted, my strength returned, and my resolve renewed…
I wasn’t sure how to fight- only I knew that I needed to be all in -in doing so. I now held the divine mantle of mother and my fight was no longer just my own. The sweet innocence that returned my stare and reached for me needed me to fight for him too. 

In my brokenness came my ability to be taught by God. I was not alone. In my exhaustion, angels- seen and unseen fought alongside me…
Their strength became my strength. Eventually, enough Christ-centered faith to take one step replaced my fear. 
I promised I’d keep fighting, utilizing strength made possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ… 
Perhaps a similar promise that I made long, long ago.

-JC

Raspberry Cheesecake Cookies

Graham Cookies
1/2 cup soft butter
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
1 XL egg
1 teaspoons vanilla
1 cup + 2 Tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 cup graham cracker crumbs
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Cream butter and sugars with an electric mixer on medium high for 1 minute or until fluffy. Hand stir in egg and vanilla; don’t overmix. Add dry ingredients all at once and mix until fully incorporated. Add 1 Tablespoon more flour for high elevation. Scoop out approximately 16 -1 1/4″ balls of dough.  Gently roll. For a richer flavor and smoother texture, form cookie dough balls, flatten slightly, and refrigerate or freeze until ready to bake. Place on greased or parchment paper on an aluminum cookie sheet. Bake at 375 degrees for 12 min. Let cool. Frost cookie with Cheesecake Filling. Refrigerate until ready to serve. Just before serving, garnish with fresh raspberries drizzled with Raspberry Syrup. Add a zest of fresh lemon if desired! Share!

Cheesecake Filling
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
¾ cup powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon lemon juice
¼ cup sour cream

Beat heavy whipping cream until stiff peaks form. In a separate bowl, beat together cream cheese, powdered sugar, vanilla and lemon juice until smooth. Stir in sour cream. Fold in whipping cream. Spoon into freezer strength Ziploc and refrigerate until ready to use.

Raspberry Sauce
¾ cup fresh raspberries
1 teaspoon cornstarch
1 ½ Tablespoons sugar
3 Tablespoons water

Whisk together cornstarch, sugar and water. Stir in the raspberries. Cook and stir on medium heat until mixture begins to boil. Continue cooking for 1 minute. Remove from heat. Let cool. Refrigerate until ready to use.


-JC