“If Only” I Had More… Strength…

I rode in the back of a farm pickup truck with the cool field breezes blowing my bangs back. It was minutes before dawn. Nearly every summer morning as a young teenager began this same way. I would close my eyes and take in the ride knowing the hard work ahead of me was just minutes away. 

As the pickup slowed to a stop I tried to fill myself with encouraging thoughts. The work was often tough- but the pay was adequate given my age and my undersized frame. I’d try and jump from the back of the truck with a tough facade, grab my bean hook, and await instruction from the field supervisor as to my specific assignment of rows, usually between two older and stronger guys. The bean hook was long and skinny with a hook on one end matched with a sharpened blade. The task was simple…

Walk down the center of a row of soybeans. My responsibility was to eliminate the weeds on the four rows of beans nearest to me. I’d hop back and forth between the rows as I spotted milkweed, ragweed, and my nemesis: pigweed. I’d choke up on my hoe and slice the weed at its base and quickly move forward returning to the center row making sure I was eyeing the outer rows all while keeping the same pace as the team lead. Early in the summer, the task was simple as the beans and the weeds were small. 

As summer grew long and the soybean plants matured, hurdling over them with my short scrawny legs became more difficult and the pigweed stalks became thick and nearly unconquerable. 

I hated struggling and seeing out of the corner of my eye someone older and bigger come to aid me in my struggle. It felt defeating.

I rarely felt successful or even adequate working in the bean fields each summer. I would often think- “If I was only bigger or stronger – this would be easy. If only my legs were longer I could more easily hurdle over the rows. If only my hands were larger to better control the bean hook. If only I had more strength once a thick pigweed was hooked to be able to slice it cleanly at the base and quickly retreat back to the center row keeping pace…”

“If only I was more…”

“If only I had more…”

“If only I could do more…”

What plaguing, demoralizing, destructive thoughts created in my imperfect mind and exaggerated by the adversary at times throughout my life to keep me from progressing and trusting more fully in my Heavenly Father’s love and the enabling power available to me simply because my Savior was willing to atone for any injustice or mistake. 

I am exactly where I am on any given day based on who I think I am or who I can be. 

I’ve just completed my 50th rotation around the sun. 

I didn’t wake up any different than I was the day before…

Who I am and what I become is up to me. The “if only’s” paralyze my ability to be what God needs me to be and show up as the truest most authentic version of myself. 

Life can be tough- after all – it’s a test…. of faith, fragility, and fortitude…

There are “pigweeds”- or likened versions thereof in my past and in most definitely my future. 

My “bean hook” is just one tool available to aid me in my journey. I am blessed with people who are there to assist me. I can often see them approach from the corner of my eye. Some- I only feel with my spiritual eyes. They are there to help. They don’t represent my weaknesses but rather the perfect love of God. Some days I am even blessed to be called on to help another…

I went for an evening drive the other day with my windows rolled down. As the cool breezes blew back my bangs, I was filled with hope as I made some goals for my immediate future. 

I choose to be filled with gratitude for the journey and strength to fight off compromising thoughts of “if only…” Because I know my story can read whatever I write on the blank pages of my future. 

I’m grabbing my notebook and my pen and choosing faith…

I will choose to more quickly shed debilitating thoughts and insecurities. 

I will choose to be more fully grateful for the strength and grit I do have. 

I will choose to exercise more patience with myself and my weaknesses. 

I will choose to work to eliminate the “If only’s …” and spend time trying to see myself as my Father in Heaven sees me. 

I will most definitely choose to understand my mortal strength alone will never be enough. However, infinite strength is mine to claim as a blessing for choosing Christ and the opportunities made available the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Then, with greater confidence, I expect to be numbered amongst the faithful followers of Christ. Imperfect in my steps- but stalwart in my commitment. 

Here’s to the next 50 rotations around the sun!-

-JC

Strawberries and Cream Sugar Cookies

Strawberry Sugar Cookies

1.2 ounces of freeze dried strawberries crushed to a powder (I use a food processor)
1 cup soft butter
4 oz. cream cheese
2 cups granulated sugar
2 XL eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons strawberry extract
1-2 drops red gel food coloring (optional)
3 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Blend strawberry powder and butter together.  Let sit for several hours. (This will deepen the strawberry flavor). Cream strawberry-butter mixture, cream cheese, and sugar with an electric mixer on medium-high for 1 minute or until fluffy. Hand stir in eggs, strawberry extract; don’t overmix. Add dry ingredients all at once and mix until fully incorporated. Add 2-3 Tablespoons more flour for high elevation. Scoop out approximately 24+ 2” balls of dough. For a richer flavor and smoother texture, form cookie dough balls, flatten slightly and refrigerate or freeze until ready to bake. Place on greased or parchment paper on an aluminum cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 10+ min. Let Cool. Drizzle with Cream Glaze. Let set. Share!

Cream Glaze

1/4 cup half and half
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 teaspoon clear vanilla
Dash of salt

Mix all the ingredients at once in a food processor.  Store in a freezer strength Ziploc until ready to use.  Clip the corner of the Ziploc and drizzle as desired.