Dirt Was Not the Problem

33 years ago I sat on top of my luggage awaiting a ride. I had literally been dropped off at the curb of a nearly empty Greyhound bus terminal with some broken dreams, faith that seemed fleeting, and a few bucks to my name. I had officially become an adult just a day prior but the decisions that brought me to my new ZIP Code were anything but child’s play… 

In the coming days- I circled the questions in my mind: 
Who are you- really? 
Why are you here? 
Does your life “fit “? 

Every August I seem to circle back to these same questions. Some years I like the answers I provide for these questions… And some years I don’t…

My fifth-grade year of elementary school brought with it a heightened sense of social awareness. 
There were those that were liked-
And those that were disliked. 
There were those that fit in-
And those that didn’t…
I felt like I could identify where others measured up… but struggled to identify where I landed on the social spectrum…
Yet it caused me a bit of concern…

One random afternoon, we were sitting in rows in unfamiliar desks in a neighboring classroom and we were supposed to be paying attention to the school nurse who was presenting “something”…. I can’t remember what…
Or did I ever even know…?

There was a popular well-liked boy sitting behind me. 

I could “feel” eyes on me. People were looking and giggling. 
I didn’t know why. 
But for the next hour- I assumed every seemingly possible reason. 
It was a dark place for my mind to go.  
I fought off tears as even those whom I called friends were looking …and laughing. 
Every negative attribute I ever felt or observed about myself must have been on display. 

40 years later-
I can still recognize the feeling….
Eyes on me are making assessments. 
Sometimes- those eyes are the ones staring back at me in the mirror. 

The feeling bears a similarity to a recurring dream but more of a nightmare…
The Invisible Goliath is only seen by me- and more felt than seen…

“It” has a different name depending on the day, the phase of life, or the mountain to climb. Sometimes “it” shows up as anxiety other times as depression, sometimes as a battle of self-will or negative self-thoughts. 

“It” is usually always accompanied by frustration, fatigue and discouragement. Sometimes I feel like I make advances towards overcoming “it” and other times I feel completely knocked down to the point of wondering if it’s worth my seemingly inadequate efforts to keep trying. Sometimes I just want to turn around and run the other way assuming that the feeling of triumphing over “it” would never even be worth the energy required. 

Other times, I wonder if perhaps it’s not even expected of me by God to battle “it”. The threats are real- yet silent to most- if not all nearby. Many of the threats bounce between the voices in my own head, causing me to wonder how real the threat really is. Yet- the paralyzing accompanying discouragement is extremely real. 

Perhaps I sometimes feel like the undersized and seemingly outmatched “David” in the fight with the Invisible Goliath. 
And then- I hope for his heroics, wherein a single battle he defeated the philistine giant.

Several days after I had allowed self-imposed  negativity  to nearly bury me in that borrowed desk in a fifth-grade classroom, I heard some kids talking about me….The girl whose braid was purposely dipped into the science experiment (a growing plant) sitting on the desk behind me. 

My hair braid was dipped in dirt- likely repeatedly… However, dirt was not the problem.

As a kid-on a double-dog-dare I had eaten dirt and then again sometimes just to bait a younger sister to do it-claiming it tasted good… 
Through the streets of my childhood town, I loved riding my bike through dirt mixed with water as it puddled after a long hard rain. I sought out the mud puddles to splash through…I still do that today in every opportunity. Mud puddles are for going through… Not around… Dirt was not the problem! Dirt was not my Goliath… neither was the popular boy who did the dipping…

My Invisible Goliath was what happened in my head…

When eyes turned on me, giggles erupted, and I sat in a nearly silent world with my screaming self-bullying thoughts….

Those became my Goliaths…

I’ve since learned how to better utilize the tools made available through the Atonement of Jesus Christ to recognize the work required and effectively battle. I don’t get “stuck” as often, and forgiveness – towards myself and others – comes more easily. My Savior knows exactly how each Invisible Goliath looks and feels. Conquering is only possible through Him.

It’s August…
Time for my annual self-assessment of my questions…
I am a Daughter of God. I understand this privilege and responsibility more with each passing year. Therein lies my greatest worth, purpose, and motivator to progress. My inner spiritual warrior is ready to battle. While doing so- I’m working to avoid the assumption that the Invisible Goliaths block my view of the happy horizon beyond…
They absolutely do not…
My life “fits” as I embrace that the greatest joy is not found by reaching a happy horizon, but instead, an abundance of joy fills my life as I battle in the trenches… with Christ by my side, enhancing the accuracy of every stone I sling…

-JC

S’mores Brownie Cookies

1 18 oz. brownie mix
2 Tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 Tablespoons dark cocoa
¼ cup melted butter
2 Tablespoons sour cream
1 egg 
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Mix brownie mix, flour, cocoa, butter, sour cream, egg and vanilla together until well blended. Chill dough for 30 minutes. Scoop out 16 1 ¼” balls and gently roll.  Place on a graham cracker square and flatten slightly. Bake at 375 degrees for 8-12 minutes. Pipe Chocolate Ganache onto cookies. Add a small dollop of marshmallow creme. Garnish as desired with toasted marshmallow, graham sticks and chocolate drizzle. 
Let set. Share!

Chocolate Ganache
½ cup whipping cream
1 cup chocolate chips
½ teaspoon vanilla extract
Dash of salt

Heat whipping cream and chocolate chips on low heat. Stir in vanilla extract and salt.