My Clown Shoes…

I looked down at my red tennis shoes as I lined up with the rest of my classmates on the high school track. It was a sunny afternoon where the elementary school-wide activity was to compete in track and field events instead of the usual afternoon drone of science, math, and reading. 

I was so grateful for the sun and a break from the classroom routine. But I had a purpose and resolve. 

A classmate had teased me about my clown shoes. 
My feet were extra large for my extra extra small body. My cute white tennis shoes sent from California by my Gramma were too small. They had been too small for a long time. I finally told my mom I needed a bigger size. My new red shoes were purchased at great financial sacrifice the previous week on Mom’s grocery run. I was a bit conflicted as I saw them when I arrived home from school. They looked HUGE…
But- after a few days of wearing them, my feet no longer hurt…

I spoke to no one and stared at my shoes as we were given instructions on our two-lap race. 
“I’ll show him and every other person in this town…” was my overly dramatic compensatory thought. 
The race began and ended. Simply stated- I won it. I had to. I had to silence anyone who actually or even thought about making fun of me. 

I was becoming resilient!

Or- so I thought that’s what my purpose was…

The real work encompassed the next several decades and continues today. It begins by silencing the voice of doubt in my head that I am not enough. It’s been tireless, repetitive work in increasing resiliency. The most critical work comes as I more fully understand what I need to be resilient towards. 

I’m tough. Tough to listen to sometimes, tough to be around sometimes, and a tough-talker. 
I’ve worked to try and be as mentally resilient as I say I am. I’ve tried it for years, feeling pretty successful at times, boldly failing at other times. Clearly I’ve spun my wheels in efforts- not really knowing what resiliency truly is.

I now know. 

My scope of progress has widened as I realize it has nothing to do with control (or winning). It has everything to do with letting go of everything that is God’s to control, letting go of everything that belongs to someone else, and just doing my part. Working to hear God tell me what that is and letting go of what it isn’t. It’s letting the truths of who I am as a daughter of God show up to defend the things I let in my head and heart from others or even myself. 

Resiliency is trusting myself as a daughter of God. It’s hearing her voice – connected with Heavenly Father- loud and clear over any others, no matter how well intended.
That’s true resiliency. It’s not about being tough. It’s about spirituality. It’s about emotional strength and connectivity to God. It’s about becoming a better, more evolved, wiser version of my eternal self. 
And it’s awesome! Every part of my journey is a win when I purposefully center my efforts around showing up as a daughter of God.

-JC 

Gingerbread Cookie Bars

½ cup soft butter
½ cup vegetable oil 
¾ cup sugar
¾ cup brown sugar
⅓ cup molasses
2 eggs
2 ⅔ cups flour
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1 teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons ground ginger
1 ½ teaspoons cinnamon
¾ teaspoon ground cloves
½ teaspoon nutmeg

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cream butter, oil, and sugars with an electric mixer on medium high for 1 minute or until fluffy. Hand stir in eggs; don’t overmix. Add dry ingredients all at once and mix until fully incorporated. Press mixture into a greased 9 x 13 pan. I spray my hands with baking spray and quickly and evenly press cookie dough into the pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 28+min. Let cool completely. Frost with Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting. 
Let set. Share.

Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting
6 ounces softened cream cheese
6 tablespoons soft butter
1 ½ teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 Tablespoons whipping cream
2 cups powdered sugar
Dash of salt

Mix cream cheese and butter until smooth. Stir in cinnamon. Add vanilla extract, whipping cream, powdered sugar, and salt. Mix until fluffy.