An Evil Insult…

I loudly and dramatically put my pencil down on my math sheet. I looked at my teacher who refused to glance up despite my passive-aggressive efforts to get her attention. The previous week, she had overruled my classmate’s grading of my multiplication time sheet marking my paper with red ink circling a 5 noting it looked like an S. I think I may have hated her a little more that day.
Third grade was a rough year for me. Not academically- just other stuff. I felt my teacher didn’t like me- so naturally, I decided I didn’t like her. She made a reference to how I was different than my older sister. I heard it as an evil insult. My decision to be crotchety in thought and deed toward her made it a rough year. But I refused to “lose” or be labeled by her as not being smart, pretty or any other trait she referenced in her comment about my sister. I think I was confused a bit about how to do that. I was calloused and became a complete smart alec. It was quite a defense mechanism and I realized I had a gift of quick thinking. My sharp words crept into my life at a time when most kids are still kind and innocent. Mine became the defense of my own self-doubts in unknowingly self-destructive ways.

Every Friday of that school year we had a timed multiplication test in math.
My goal was not to just get a 100% grade on the test.
My goal was to be the first to get 100%.
Not only did I expect myself to get them all right- I wanted to be the first classmate to finish.
So here was the goal- the vision of success. Now, what did I need to do to achieve it? Study. Study. Study.
I took the flash cards printed on cheap paper offered to us in the classroom and I worked through them over and over.
I saw no benefit to understanding math concepts or any value to understanding any importance or usefulness in multiplication.
There was no motivation in that for me.
I simply wanted to prove my teacher wrong about what (I perceived) she thought about me.

When Friday morning came, I was nervous with excitement knowing I knew all of the answers. There were several of us in the class who always got 100%. As I quickly worked through the test I would chart what row and problem the other “smart” classmates were on and worked as fast as I could to be first.
And I usually was. But unfortunately- none of this made me feel better or smarter in the long run. I didn’t like my teacher more.
I wasn’t happier…
No good result came from my motivated efforts.

My quest for happiness in third grade was never realized. Perhaps because although I was motivated to win-
Winning didn’t translate to being happy.

As I look through a different lens today, having done much work to identify what happiness means, where it comes from, and how it’s often chased down and deemed difficult to acquire- I’ve redefined what and where I seek motivation.
I work a bit harder to borrow God’s lens. To see myself and others through -as well as understand how much control I have over my own happiness. My motivation serves me best when it’s rooted in acknowledging my agency and the powerful God-given gift that choice is.

As I break it down- it’s imperative to specifically define what I want…
What am I working to change or improve?
Do I feel that these changes or improvements are in line with where and who God needs me to be?
How can I be sure?

This is where the work begins. Once I’ve worked with God to acquire these answers-
when I listen to Him, align my will with His, choosing peace as reassurance…
Then-
It’s then that I am truly motivated to choose and act with full awareness and appreciation of agency.
It’s then that I can work toward daily happiness.
It’s then that I can choose joy.

As I reflect on my third-grade self-
She made some tough choices. She let ideas of not being good enough grow deep roots in her heart. She showed up guarded and defensive. She traded childhood innocence and trust for contempt. Partially, it breaks my heart that this was her choice and her course…

But- I know what she learned. I know who she will become next. In the years to come, I know she felt that God was on her side and He would become the only voice that mattered. I know that there would be times when even God would momentarily disappoint her by seemingly crushing her dreams. But I also know He would help rebuild them into a better and more beautiful life than she could imagine…

Sustaining happiness and claiming joy become powerful motivators for deliberate decision-making.

-JC

S’Mores Hot Fudge Brownie Sundae Bars

Brownie Layer
1 18 oz. pre-packaged brownie mix without chocolate chunks (I prefer Dark Chocolate Duncan Hines)
2 Tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 Tablespoons dark cocoa
1 egg + 1 egg yolk
3 Tablespoons sour cream 
⅓ cup vegetable oil
⅓ cup whole milk 
—
3 Quarts Ice Cream (any flavor)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Mix together brownie mix with the rest of the ingredients. Mix on medium speed just until blended. Don’t over-mix. Place a 12” x 16” parchment sheet into a 9” x 13” pan so that the 12” side of parchment lays in the 13” side of the pan and there’s several inches on either side of the 9” side. (You will remove brownie sundae bars before serving. This extra parchment serves as an easy way to remove from the pan.  This step can be omitted if you’d like to serve it straight from the baking pan.) Spray with baking spray. Spread brownie mixture evenly over parchment paper lined pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 28 minutes. Remove from the oven and let cool completely. Sprinkle Graham Layer over cooled brownie and gently pat down. Soften 3 quarts of ice cream (any flavor) and spoon over Graham Layer. Spoon over ½ of the Hot Fudge Sauce brought to room temperature. Freeze for 4+ hours. Just before serving, loosen edges with a knife then pull on parchment paper to remove from the pan. Cut into 24 squares. Garnish with toasted marshmallows. Serve with additional warmed Hot Fudge Sauce. 
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Graham Layer
3 cups crushed graham crackers
⅔ cup granulated sugar
8 oz. cream cheese
Mix all ingredients until combined.

Hot Fudge Sauce
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup heavy whipping cream
Dash of salt
Melt chocolate chips and cream in the microwave for 1 minute and stir until smooth. Stir in salt.