The Bougie Pant-Suit-Filled Life…

The opportunity costs seemed high…
Independence
Exploration
Financial success

I couldn’t sleep.

I had already said yes- but I knew I could change my mind and move on.
I wasn’t ready to be pinned down, get married, and fall into the roles of wife and mother.
I had been taught they were noble choices for life-
But I had an innate sense of fear of missing out on all of the unknowns for the bougie pant-suit-filled big city life I had imagined and hoped my future would hold.
I would look important, be important, and do important things as I walked the big city scene in my high-dollar wardrobe.
I was going to be “someone”

By saying “yes” and following through with the marriage proposal that was just 12 hours old –
Somehow I knew I’d be trading my dreams in for a very different reality.
My choice was big and very real.

But perhaps my dialogue needed a shift.
It’s a bit dramatic to sound off saying I would have to trade my dreams in for a different reality…
What about leaning into a different dream? Perhaps one I hadn’t considered or thought I knew enough about- instead of running away from it…

My heart was troubled over the next few days as I worked to sort out what I thought I knew and wanted.

Lately, I’ve felt the weight of a troubled heart again in my life. And similarly, it came on the heels of me feeling like I already knew the answer. Specifically –
God’s answer for this season of life.

Here’s what I’ve learned-
Sometimes our hearts get troubled. A simple prayer I sometimes utter is “Heavenly Father, please calm my troubled heart.”
He probably understands why it’s troubled more than I do. These are times when it’s easy to get frustrated with myself that I even feel troubled.
I circle back to grace. God’s grace is perfect and sufficient. I need to take note, lean on that, and extend the same grace to myself so that it’s more available to people around me. I have learned this. I feel like in so many ways I’ve nearly perfected it, but I am frustrated that I keep having to try so hard.
Why can’t grace itself just be easy?
Why can’t just knowing it’s important, agreeing with myself and God to have it-
Why can’t that be enough?
Why is the doing so hard?
It’s the same concept as so many spiritual journeys.
It’s not just a checklist all at once. Like- I check it off and it’s done. It’s like understanding and exercising the miracle of forgiveness. Sometimes we have to forgive over and over again. Grace is the same way. Sometimes we have to exercise grace for ourselves over and over again even if it’s the same situation. I’m grateful that the Exemplar of Grace does NOT hold back, only allowing me a certain number of times to get it right.
Christ truly is the perfect example. He gives me (and you) as many chances as it takes to get it right. I’m trying to learn to do that for myself.

Because-
I know God just wants me to keep trying. He wants me to keep trusting and keep believing. He knows there’s hope, health, and happiness ahead. He needs me only to believe, put aside fear, and flex my faith.

33 years ago I traded one dream for another. On that very day, 33 years after I married my college sweetheart, I was blessed with a week away with the people I love most. I never could have understood the joy this new dream would lead to. Nor could I understand the depth of the type of “someone” I was capable of becoming as I let God guide my life.
I’m grateful now and then-
I’m grateful I worked with God to let Him calm my troubled heart and flex my faith with a white dress and a new dream.

-JC

Peanut Butter Pie Cookies

1 cup soft butter
1 cup granulated sugar
⅔  cup packed brown sugar
2  eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups graham cracker crumbs
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Cream butter and sugars with an electric mixer on medium high for 1 minute or until fluffy. Hand stir in egg and vanilla; don’t overmix. Add dry ingredients all at once and mix until fully incorporated. Add 1 Tablespoon more flour for high elevation. Scoop out approximately 16 1.5” balls of dough.  Gently roll.  For a richer flavor and smoother texture, form cookie dough balls, flatten slightly, and refrigerate or freeze until ready to bake. Place on greased or parchment paper on an aluminum cookie sheet. Bake at 375 degrees for 12 min. Let cool completely. Pipe peanut butter Cream onto each cookie. Drizzle with melted peanut butter and Peanut Butter Fudge Ganache. 
Refrigerate until serving. 
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Peanut Butter Cream
8 oz. softened cream cheese
¾ cup creamy peanut butter
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 ½ cups powdered sugar
Dash of salt
16 oz. thawed Cool Whip

Mix cream cheese and peanut butter together until well blended. Stir in vanilla extract. Add powdered sugar and salt and mix on high for 3-5 minutes. Fold in thawed Cool Whip. Spoon into two different gallon sized Ziploc bags. (This will make it easier to handle.) Refrigerate until ready to use.
Drizzle with Peanut butter fudge icing

Peanut Butter Chocolate Fudge ganache
½ cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
¼ cup creamy peanut butter
2 Tablespoons soft butter
2 Tablespoons whole milk
½ teaspoon vanilla.

Melt chocolate chips, butter and peanut butter in microwave for 30 seconds or until mixture can be stirred smooth. Stir in milk and vanilla.