I felt God was likely disappointed in me…

It was the phase of life of backyard ball games, trikes, training wheels ,legos, and matchbox cars.

I was painting around the den window in our small starter home, starring at the empty quiet street just beyond our front yard. The room did not necessarily need to be painted, but I needed to busy myself while I played hooky from where I had committed to be. 

Physically- I was fine…at least mostly…

But mentally and emotionally, I was struggling. 

The phone rang. I looked down at my caller ID. It was Dad. I kept painting instantly deciding I didn’t want to talk to anyone. 

The phone rang again and again. I had it set for five rings because I had a habit of leaving it wherever I wasn’t. Five rings allowed me to sprint through my house to retrieve it with a breathless “Hello” before the answering machine picked it up. 

Hearing the fourth ring, I stared at the phone. I knew Dad would leave a message. I knew I could call him back when I felt “better”…

When I was in high school, Dad would set up a Daddy-Daughter interview once a month. We could talk anything over- my seemingly unfair chore list, my troubles with my English teacher who clearly didn’t like me, Mom making tuna fish sandwiches for lunch, and my dramatic distaste for them- literally anything…

I always felt “heard”. 

Dad was awesome… but not all-powerful. He couldn’t take away my problems…

However, talking them over seemed to give them perspective. Maybe there aren’t mortal words to explain it…

It felt like a conversation I would have with my Heavenly Father in prayer.  

In talking it over- I felt better. Even about the topics or concerns that I didn’t feel comfortable giving voice to. 

The fifth rang echoed out and I held my breath knowing the machine would pick up the call. The voice recording began and I interrupted it with a weak, nearly silent “…hello..”

Tears immediately filled my eyes and a huge lump filled my throat. I couldn’t speak. 

Dad was just checking in. My silence gave way to a guilty admittance. 

“How was church?” Dad asked. 

“I didn’t go…” I whispered. “Whit took the boys…”

“What’s wrong?” Dad asked. 

“Everything….” was my overwhelming silent thought.

“I don’t know…” was my weak muffled response as tears flooded down my cheeks…

I retreated to my bathroom to grab some tissues and caught a glimpse of my red puffy tear-stained face. I wasn’t happy with who or what I saw in my reflection as I awaited Dad’s advice. 

Although out of character, I feared Dad would tell me the same things I had been maliciously screaming to myself:
to toughen up- to focus less on myself and more on serving others. I felt like I deserved to be told that I wasn’t going to ever feel better if I turned my back on God and failed to keep the commitments I made with Him. 

Instead, Dad told me that he loved me. He then asked me if I thought I would need to stay home the next week too. 

I weakly uttered… “Probably…”

He said, “Do what you need to do- just tell your Heavenly Father about it…” 

I didn’t really want to pray. I felt God was likely disappointed in me.

The next morning with renewed strength that literally seems to come with the rising sun, I prayed and simply told God I was having a hard time. 

Nothing else… no gratitude for the blessings I did have, no plea for help… 

…Just a statement of fact…

I stayed on my knees for a moment searching for what to say next. No words came- but God’s perfect love flowed generously.  

It turns out I had not wandered too far from the reach of my Father in Heaven or the atoning perfect sacrifice of His Son, my Brother, Jesus Christ. 

It turns out I had not disappointed God. He knew my struggle perfectly. He patiently waited for me to come to Him. 

With outstretched arms only seen with my spiritual eyes – I fell into them. I felt strength, forgiveness, peace, and resolve…

In time, with a bit of nervous faith in tow, I sat in the back of the chapel at church. Sitting with my sweet family- I re-committed to God to try a little harder to be a little better…I felt it was all I could promise and yet with God’s grace, I felt it was enough.

Sometimes I feel disappointed in myself. I say things, do things, or fail to do things leaving me with an emptiness inside. 

The adversary loves discouragement and would have me believe God is equally disappointed.

However, I know this to be impossible. He is perfect. His love is perfect. His perfection has no place for disappointment. That is a tool of the adversary and one we plague each other with. It does not come from God. 

Today I’m choosing God’s perfect love and grace to motivate me to try a little harder to study His word, walk in His ways, and love as He does…Extending a loving patient hand-especially towards the imperfect yet well-intended girl who stares back at me in the mirror.  She needed then and continues to need today- my patience, kindness, and true Christlike love.

-JC

Biscoff Sugar Cookies Frosted with Biscoff CookieButter Buttercream

Biscoff Cookies

1 cup soft butter
1⁄2 cup Biscoff Cookie Butter
1 cup granulated sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 XL eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup Biscoff cookie crumbs ( I pulse 8 whole cookies in food processor)
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Cream butters and sugars with an electric mixer on medium high for 1 minute or until fluffy. Hand stir in eggs and vanilla; don’t overmix. Add dry ingredients all at once and mix until fully incorporated. Add 1 Tablespoon more flour for high elevation. Scoop out 24 2+” balls of dough. Gently roll. Flatten slightly. For a smoother texture and deeper flavor, freeze until ready to use.
Bake at 375 degrees for 10+ minutes. Let cool. Frost with Biscoff Buttercream Frosting. Drizzle with Biscoff Cookie Butter gently heated as desired. Garnish with Biscoff Cookie piece. Let set. Share!

Biscoff Buttercream Frosting

3/4 cup soft butter
3/4 cup Biscoff Cookie Butter
2 1/2 + cups powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
Dash of salt
3-4 Tablespoons milk

Cream butter and cookie butter on medium speed for 1 minute.
Stir in powdered sugar. Add vanilla salt, and milk. Whip for 5 minutes.
Spoon into Ziploc bag until ready to use.