Mom Is Sick…

Heartache has hit me pretty hard in the past few weeks.
There’s been a series of events that has caused me to ponder the question-
“What matters most…?”

One of them began just a couple of weeks ago. I was on a phone call with one of my sisters. 
We were worried about Mom-
Her fatigue, cough, and inability to breathe easily. 

Gratefully, her homeopathic doctor encouraged her to get checked out. 
Within 12 hours, my sister was leaving her all-nighter at the hospital, and I was en route. 
My flight landed and I grabbed an Uber as my sister gave me the latest test results and updates. 
Soon, I arrived in mom’s hospital room. 
Mom was sitting up on the edge of the bed. Her hair was cutely brushed and her bright lipstick was perfectly applied. 
She looked like she was ready and wanting to bust outta there as soon as the doctor came in and filed her discharge papers. But- she would have to wait…

Two more sisters had gathered, and two more were en route. 
Two days later, her results were explained to us…
Mom is sick…

She’s always had a heart of gold. People who know her- love her. 
Was it possible that her heart had been so overworked loving and serving God’s children that it was trying to quit too early in life…?

When I was a young kid-
My mom was on the go non-stop all day, every day. 
I only ever saw her sit to study her scriptures. 
Her life was busy with six kids, a husband, neighbors, and a church congregation. 
She loved and served them all. 

Occasionally, we would all be asked to gather and Mom would enlist our help to find something that had been misplaced.
Most of the time it was a set of car keys, someone’s homework, or an elusive single shoe. 
But one day the stakes were a little higher. Our youngest sister, Kimmy, had lost her doll. Kimmy had everyone in our family wrapped around her finger.
For good reason-
She was spunky yet sweet.
Mom looked at me and said-
“Jackie, you are the ‘family finder’-
You can always find anything-
I need you to find Kimmy’s doll.”

Kimmy’s sobs infiltrated throughout the house as she wandered around looking for her doll. 
I looked in all of the places she normally played, with no luck. 
I didn’t want to let Mom down. And I surely wanted to be the hero Kimmy needed. So I took her by the hand and asked her everywhere she had played that day with her doll. 
All of the places and spaces where I had looked were on her list. Then she mentioned she had been outside playing but couldn’t remember where. 

A new space I had been hanging out with my neighbor friend was a large bush on the east side of the house. 
This was an uncommon place to play and I couldn’t imagine Kimmy trying to climb the prickly branches. Yet, I could imagine she thinking she could do anything her older sisters did. 
Sure enough, the doll had been laid down for a nap nestled within the branches of the evergreen bush. 

Decades later, as I sat at the foot of the bed in Mom’s hospital room, I could find nothing but heartache as the doctor delivered the tough news-
Congestive Heart Failure. 

Specialist appointments were scheduled and a few days later, before taking my flight, I talked with Mom. 
Both of us were in disbelief-
I listened as she recounted the decline of her energy over the past few years. Her diagnosis now seemed to group together a list of symptoms that all seemed to be placed into different categories of “not feeling well.”

This story is still being written. 

There are more questions than answers- medically and personally. 
And I wonder-
What is it that God needs me to find within these circumstances?
And thus- what does He need me to do?

Helplessness is part of heartache. We can’t always take our loved ones by the hand and find what’s missing. 
Sometimes we just sit with feelings of love, and loss. 
Sometimes the steps we need to take are hidden from immediate view. 
The heaviness is real-
Many of these feelings seem new to me. 
But they are not new to my Savior. 
He suffered for all the pains, afflictions, and heartaches that any of us would experience. 
Heartache-
Physical and emotional. 

So in my search for what matters most. 
I turn to Christ-
For relief and moments of peace. 
And I’m working to connect with God-
To help me find answers. 
Today, all I know is that I don’t know what’s next. 
But I know God knows- and I’m leaning heavily into trusting that He will guide my thoughts and my steps to find where He is leading me. 

-JC

(Gluten-Free) Monster Brookies

Mix together a GLUTEN-FREE brownie mix (approx. 15 oz.) as directed. Bake in a greased 8”x8” baking pan at 350 degrees for 28 minutes or until done. Remove from the oven and immediately cover brownies with ⅓ cup melted peanut butter. Cover peanut butter layer with flattened (to about ½ inch thick) discs of GLUTEN-FREE Monster Cookie Dough. Dot the top with additional mini M&M’s as desired. Return to the oven and bake for 18 minutes. Let set. Share.

GLUTEN-FREE Monster Cookie Dough
3 Tablespoons soft butter
½ cup peanut butter
⅓ cup granulated sugar
½ cup packed brown sugar
1 egg
¾ teaspoon vanilla
¼ cup gluten-free flour
1 cup quick oats
⅓ teaspoon baking soda
¼ teaspoon salt
¾+ cup any combination of chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, vanilla chips, peanut butter chips and mini M&M’s.

Cream butter, peanut butter, and sugars with an electric mixer on medium high for 1 minute or until fluffy. Hand stir in egg, vanilla; don’t over-mix. Add dry ingredients all at once and mix until fully incorporated. Stir in a combination of chips and mini M&Ms.