Tears Of Anger and Sadness

We all stood against the wall. 
I hated it. 
It became the worst part of my days and my weeks in grade school. 
As a fourth grader, we had a new cute kid in our class- but I grew to hate his dad very quickly. 

It was an unfair assertion perhaps- –
It wasn’t my new classmate’s dad’s fault that I was scrawny and uncoordinated as a kid without even an ounce of competitive confidence. 

Nevertheless, twice a week when we were forced to line up along the wall as the two best athletes in the class picked teams- I held back tears of anger and sadness knowing I would be picked last. 
I hated it. 
And I hated the PE teacher for dividing teams this way. 

I was never chosen- more or less I just knew which direction to walk based on which team had the previous pick. I was simply the result of someone else’s choice. 

Today-
I’m passionate about choice and understanding one of the greatest gifts from God-
My agency. 

I get to choose. 
Countless decisions every day culminate with large or small steps that lead me toward or away from God. 
Circumstances often are what they are- but my choice as to how to think and react remains mine to claim. 
As is the responsibility. 
At the same time in my life that I was last picked in PE, I also had a paper route and family chores with fall garden harvest and canning.
Nothing in my life seemed fun or exciting. 
And it wasn’t. 
It was a season of work, a season of refinement, and as true as ever- a season of choice. 

I’ve done better since then at choosing to see joy and claiming it amidst the seasons of work and refinement. 

The difference?
My choice to claim joy follows my choice of Christ. 
My choice for Christ. 
When I choose to work to center my life around Him, joy follows. 

An inspiring teenager lives across the street from me now. 
She recently shared with our entire church congregation that her strength comes from Christ. 
(The strength to do remarkable things she couldn’t do on her own.)

I know that story. 
I’ve lived that story. 
I pray that I will always choose to live that story.  

The truth that guides me- from a disciple of Christ that I met when I was a teenager-

“If you have not chosen the kingdom of God first, it will in the end make no difference what you have chosen instead.”
Elder Neal A. Maxwell

It is thus my privilege and my responsibility to choose to honor my God through my discipleship. 

One recent Sunday morning, I spent the hours before church baking and experimenting (‘tis the season). I was late to get ready, late to leave, and late to arrive at church. Perhaps a series of unfortunate (poor) choices. 
However- nothing I had baked was finished and I had left no time in my haste to leave to grab a quick lunch. I sat in church feeling hungry. 
My bag that I normally bring- packed with protein bars and candy had been left on a kitchen barstool in my haste. 
And yet-
I sat in church with a plethora of choices. 
I could leave. I didn’t know very many people in my new congregation and certainly, no one would notice I had left. 
Or- I could give myself grace for being a disaster with my morning choice- but re-route my energy and steady my thoughts.
There would be an opportunity cost to feeding my literal hunger.
Each Sunday during church- I take a quiet moment and work to get real with myself and God. 
I work to let Him help me answer this-
What do I need to let go of?
What do I need to hold onto?
I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to recommit my discipleship and take time to ponder.

On this day- I let go of frustration for myself.
As a kid, with slouchy socks on undersized ankles, it would have served me well to let go of the anger I felt toward my PE teacher. 
He wasn’t the last person in my life that I have allowed to wreak havoc with my peace. 😉

The choice continues to be mine.
In my current phase of life, I’m less likely to walk a path of anger to a team that doesn’t want me -at least not literally…

Some days, it takes great effort for me to clear the negativity and remember my agency is 100% intact. 
It’s from God. 
I get to choose how I feel, how I think, and how I react-
Amidst sickness, struggle with the unknown, and countless circumstances that dance in the shadows or future…

In the end, I want it to be said that I choose Christ. 
in the end, I want my actions to indicate that I choose Him.

-JC

Turtle Cheesecake Brownies

Make a brownie mix as directed and bake in a 8” x 8” baking pan for 28+ minutes or until done. Let cool completely. Top with Cheesecake Filling. Refrigerate until serving. Then garnish with caramel and chocolate sauce. Sprinkle with candied pecans. Share!

Cheesecake Filling
1 cup heavy whipping cream (or 8 oz. Cool Whip)
—
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
1 cup powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
¼ cup sour cream
⅓ cup caramel sauce

Beat heavy whipping cream until stiff peaks form. In a separate bowl, beat together cream cheese, powdered sugar, vanilla extract and lemon juice until smooth. Stir in sour cream and caramel sauce. Fold in whipping cream. 

Chocolate Sauce
¼  cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
2 Tablespoons whole milk
Dash of salt

Melt chocolate chips and milk in the microwave for 1 minute and stir until smooth. Stir in salt. Set aside until ready to use.

Caramel Sauce
½ cup sugar
3 Tablespoons melted butter
¼ cup slightly warmed cream
½ teaspoon sea salt

Heat sugar in a saucepan on medium-low heat.  Stir every 30 seconds. Sugar will initially clump together and then melt and turn an amber color. After all the sugar pieces are melted, remove from heat. Stir in butter.  This mixture will splatter a bit until mixed in.  Stir in cream and salt.  Let cool until ready to use.