Lost To God?

While spending time in Arizona this past year, I’ve come to know an army of amazing women. 
In the months where cold winds blow in the lands we emerge from, we gather on the pickleball courts three days a week to serve, dink, and drop-shot our way to victory or defeat. 
But the truth is—
At the end of the day—
The win/loss tally doesn’t matter. We come to connect with each other. We learn about each other’s careers, children, hopes, and even despair. 

Each one of these women has a story…
There is faith, fortitude, and fear entangled in them all. We hail from areas all over North America…
‘Home’ is often hundreds of miles away…every spring, we return “home” with the promise to gather again  when cool fall breezes blow, chasing us to the desert. 
As we converge in the land of cacti and desert sun on a striped court, we deepen our connection as women. 
I could see that these women were some of the greatest blessings of my life. I was introduced to them at a time when I needed hope and healing. I love that this is how God saw fit to bless me.  

God has often blessed me with great friends. 

At the age of five, a new best friend moved next door. Throughout the early years, she was with me daily— at school, and at play. One summer, Mom moved our bedrooms around and my window faced hers. From the second story, we chatted across the rooftops at night—about anything and everything. 

Fifty years later, I still recognize that God places incredible women in my life. I learn from them, unite with them, and understand life better as we share experiences unique to each of us. 
It’s a web that has woven us together as a collective group. We aren’t meant to travel the journeys of our earth life alone. I’m grateful for the people I meet along any given path— 
They help me see who I need to be. 

At countless crossroads over the years in seasons of hard and heartache—
God places a new friend in my path. I only try to recognize the strength gleaned as I look in the rearview mirror of the experience. 
The choice to reach out in friendship or take an outstretched hand toward me is always mine to navigate. 

When our family moved to Pennsylvania, I, as a sophomore in high school, I struggled to leave my best friend from next door.  It dramatically felt like my parents were ruining my life. My new school was so different in every way from where I came. 
One of the first days, I had a note passed to me in class. 
It said-
“We took a vote and decided you could join our clique.
Do you want to?”

YES   NO

Clearly, I was expected to circle my answer and send it back. 
My heart raced. I didn’t even know what this meant.
If I joined this clique—
What were the expectations…?
Were these my only friends?
On one hand—at least I would have a group to eat lunch with…
That had been the hardest part of my first few weeks as a new kid…
No one feels more lost than a new kid at lunch time. 
That lonely feeling of not belonging screams as you scan the cafeteria looking for anywhere to sit that might feel welcoming. 
It’s literally the most brutal feeling. 

I sat with my note open on my desk, for most of the class. I didn’t know this girl— or her friends. But I was desperate for friendship. 
Towards the end of class, 
I circled the blank space in between YES and NO, quickly passed it back, and dashed out of class as soon as the bell rang. 

The ache of wanting to belong— wasn’t just with anyone…
It was with the right someones…
That felt like an innate truth to my spirit. 

At this same time in high school,
I was grappling with what I believed in spiritually. 
Many of my teachers at church seemed very boring as they read from the lesson manuals each week. 
My parents engaged us in reading scriptures together as a family—
But I dreaded that too. 

I felt a bit lost. 
Lost in friendship—
Lost to God.
A degree of despair followed. 

I wasn’t ready to grow my spirituality, or turn to my family for connection. 
So I went all-in with my sports teams. 
It was track season…
God blessed me with a running mate and—with a lens of hindsight—a dear friend. 
He knew what I needed to feel safe enough to—
In time— 
Work more to connect with Him. 

On the day of my daughter-in-law’s surgery, I turned to my phone to distract me during the six-hour wait. Bry had settled into a project on his laptop, teaching himself how to code. He was mentally engaged so as to not spend his day in stress and turmoil. 

I texted with family and friends, including my army of pickleball women from Mesa, Arizona.  God had placed these people in my life. There felt to be a bit of strength in unity. 

At one point, I got up to stretch my legs. I wandered into the hospital chapel. It was empty. I looked around acknowledging these walls had encompassed many in depths of desperation in prayer, searching for hope. 
My heart ached for those whose prayers seemed to linger in the rows of pews they were uttered in. 
I know God hears all of our prayers for help. But I also know— sometimes we don’t get the miracle we plead for…

I’ve worked to gain some truths about God:
Always…We can feel His love to the degree we seek it…
With Him, we always belong. 
He welcomes us— no matter where we are in our duty to serve Him. 
Our worth to Him is not predicated on anything we do or don’t do. 

We are never lost to God…
We are His…
He is ours…
Always.

-JC

Caramel Stuffed Browned Butter Chocolate Chunk Cookies

1 cups butter, browned, chilled back to solid form
¾  cup granulated sugar
1 ¼ cup packed dark brown sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 ½ cups all-purpose flour 
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon cornstarch
¾ teaspoon salt
1 ½ cups dark chocolate chunks
½ cup grated dark chocolate 

Additional ingredients:
14 oz pre-made soft caramels

Mix together cooled browned butter and sugars with an electric mixer on medium high for 1+ minute or until fluffy. Hand stir in eggs and vanilla extract; don’t overmix. Add dry ingredients all at once and mix until fully incorporated. Stir in chocolate chunks and grated chocolate. Scoop out approximately 24 2” balls of dough.  Stuff with pre-made caramels (I used 14 oz of pre-made caramels in 24 cookies.) Gently roll. Fatten cookie dough discs slightly and refrigerate or freeze until ready to bake.  Place on greased or parchment paper on an aluminum cookie sheet. Sprinkle with sea salt flakes. Bake at 385 degrees for 12+ min. 
Let set. Share!